Man's Rejection is God's Protection

I am about two seconds from renaming this blog, "Inspirations...About Once a Month". I was determined to post a message before March. I am ashamed that I haven't posted during the whole month of February which is also Black History Month. I clearly took some type of hiatus. Harriet Tubman would not be proud.

One thing I did do was talk to one of my former church members in Tallahassee. Her name is Dana. She is sweet as pie and she, too, was a Tallahassee transplant. She was from a small town in central Florida and happily made her home in Tally as we called it. We often spoke about how we never wanted to go back to our hometowns and how we would stay in Tally til death did us part. Dana also had a daughter and thought that Tally was the best place to rear her kid.

Just as my health problem started so did her financial problems. She begin to get eviction notices on her apartment door and her car had broken down. Like the image of the girl on the salt container walking in the rain with an umbrella, when it rains it pours. Like me, Dana was tenacious and decided to fight. She kept looking for jobs until she finally got one. It was also a job that she ultimately found that she hated. She found favor in that she was able to get a brand new set of wheels. Her new car sure was purty, all shiny and new.

She started to hate her job more and more. The bills kept mounting when one day she called me sounding defeated. "Girl, I have to move back to my parents house." I could offer no comforting words because at the time I had moved back to my mother's house battling lupus. So I mustered up, "Don't worry. Something good is going to come out it. Wait and see." She accepted the general verbiage but that was all I had to offer. I mean, I myself, was bedridden and was going through many things that have been very well documented within this blog. Heck, I was still waiting for my "good to come out of it" but I really didn't see the point of saying "girl, what we are going through is some bull@#$!" This was my church member after all.

She and her daughter returned home and the heavens opened up. She found a job that she loved. Her daughter is excelling leaps and bounds in school. She has been able to pay down and pay off some of her debt. She was most excited that now she and her daughter have top of the line health care insurance. Amen.

So, a couple of days ago, we were sitting on the phone, laughing at how we didn't want to leave Tally and how we left kicking and screaming. When we finally departed the city, we reenacted the scene from 'The Color Purple' when Celie and Nettie were playing Patty Cake. We were cracking up thinking about that image. Like those open hands that were used to play patty cake, our hands had to be open for God to grab it and take us to the next chapter in our lives.

I remember listening to a former mentor of mine, Crystal Mayo, as I accepted a journalism award as a high school senior. She said something that I will never forget and that I carry with me to this day. She held up her clenched fist and said, "with your hands closed nothing can get in and nothing can get out. It's when you open your hand that you can give and receive." Then she unballed her hand and waved her fingers. I will never forget that in life. Her voice cracked and tears began to stream down her face. I remember saying to myself, "damn, she meant that. I think I had better give that a try."

That scene from that evening thirteen years ago has been on my mind recently and especially pertains to me and Dana's situation. She and I thought we had hit our strides. Oh boy, were we having fun in Tallahassee. She being a career woman and mom. Me being the sought after 'eyelash lady' managing my own business and, in Jean's words, having the men all pause when I walked into the local jook joints. Now we don't even miss Tallahassee or what it offered.

I honestly have not thought about an eyelash since I have been in Detroit nor had any desire to do any eyelashes. My Godsister asked me recently to do hers and I almost asked her what she was talking about. I had to catch myself. Oh yeah, just last year I forgot it was embedded in my mind that I was going back to Tallahasssee and to eyelashes. So much so that I paid three months rent on an apartment that I wasn't even living in just waiting for my healing and so that I could go back south. My immediate healing never came but thank God I wasn't foolish enough to close my hand in the midst of my storm.

Coincidentally, Dana doesn't miss Tallahassee either. She thinks returning home was the best thing that has happened to her. I couldn't agree more. I feel the same way about my situation.

I guess it's true. When you make plans, God not only laughs but he hollers! I am constantly reminded not to get attached to anything in this world. When you are removed from a situation, it can be a blessing in disguise. As Lamar reminded me last week, "man's rejection is God's protection." Say that, Reverend Lamar!

If you say that you are for God, be prepared for some valleys but know that the peaks are just around the corner. God's grace won't take you anywhere that his mercy won't carry you. As you are being carried just make sure that you are going through with an open hand. You never know what sorts of goodies you will catch!

Winter Blossoms in Detroit

When I landed in Detroit, it was winter but I was feeling warm on the inside. Maybe it was emotion or maybe it was lupus, who knows? I was back in the loving arms of my family and friends. My mother was relieved about my return but my illness weighed on her. It was apparent each morning that she had to leave me each morning for work. When she returned in the afternoon, I was in the same position, my back propped up on pillows in her bed with my chin on my chest. I was so weak that she had to help me put socks on my feet because I stayed cold. She also had to assist me to the restroom because lupus was wrecking havoc on my legs. To stand for long periods of time made me hot, light headed and dizzy. All of these elements combined to form a mother's nightmare. She finished eight hours in the school system and then had to come home and fight the adversary that was messing with her only child.

I just didn't want her to worry herself to death. I might not have been the healthiest but if there is one thing that I know how to do, I know how to fight courtesy of my mom. We don't war with flesh and blood but with spirits of evil. Meaning I had to pray like hell to get this spirit off of me. I didn't do anything per say to bring lupus upon me but the devil will find any way to enter our lives. Unfortunately, he chose my health but I guess he didn't get the word that I'm covered on that end also.

Now I know that it may sound like I fought my battle with ease but it was a truly a nerve rattling thing. I was never scared for myself but moreso for those that loved me. I remember asking God just to spare me for my mother. My mother didn't sacrafice her whole life for her daughter just to bury her daughter. I rebuked that wholeheartedly.

During this time, the rest of my family pulled together which was nothing new. We had buried my aunt two days after my birthday in March of 2008 and my mind fell on a voicemail that she had left me when I first moved to Tallahassee. "Sherri, you are blessed. You are blessing. Whatever you want in this world is yours. You are blessed. Thank you, baby. Thank you. I love you." It almost became my victory chant that only I could hear and reply in my spirit. Auntie Helen told me that I was victorious from the grave.

At the time, my youngest cousin was 20 years old and he was just beginning his conversations with God. I feared that if I took a turn for the worse that he would curse God. I wanted my cousin and God to get off on the right foot so to speak so I always prayed that God would let Justin's prayers manifest. He would buy lots of anti-oxidant and herbal teas for me. Justin made me promise that if I recovered that he would get us front row tickets to a Beyonce concert that upcoming July. (He kept his promise. We were there shaking our tailfeathers and we even shook her hand.) My other little cousin would brew me cups of tea at a time. I remember my aunt rushing over with cocoa and shea butter to heal my face from the lupus rash that was covering my nose and cheeks. My other aunt, whom I have written about before, was back on her post cooking things that don't mix. Shrimp and hamhocks. Cinnamon buns and taco salad. Days like that I was glad I was on medication.

I can recall anticipating my uncle's visit. As he neared my bedroom, I put my hands over my face so he couldn't see my scars. I didn't take my hands from over my face until he called my name. I was ashamed to let my uncle see me. Everyone else could see me, no problem, but it hurt me to let my uncle see me. In true Uncle Bill form he said, "Oh no, we gotta do something about this." He has never let his niece suffer. Never.

Word got out that I was sick. Satan's head was pelted with prayers as far away as London. The Holy Spirit interceeded for me many a days. I just didn't have the strength to pray. Satan's attack may have compromised my body but he didn't have my mind. I said, 'thank you, Lord' plenty times in mind and spirit. When the pains were hitting me the worse, I was too exhausted to cry but I knew how to say 'thank you'.

My ordeal made some of my friends convert from "thoughts" to "prayers". Some of them never uttered the word prayer til the devil started to meddle with me. Those thoughts turned to prayers, pronto. The ones that were already prayer warriors kicked their prayers into overtime. How grateful I am for the entire Jones family. They visited often, prayed with me, laughed and spoke encouaging words over my situation.

I've always thought myself to be the example. God knows who can handle what and like Job I did believe that no matter how hot it got in my kitchen, God was with me. He said where ever we make our beds, whether it be the hospital bed, the outhouse or the whorehouse, He was with us. God is always available. If God needed to use me so that others can see His power then so be it. Take me, I'll go. I knew in my heart of hearts that on the other side of the potential tragedy was powerful triumph. It is a terrible thing for the adversary to meddle with royalty. God is going to get His glory.

Sometimes you have to go home to get your blessings. Sometimes you have to retreat to regroup. Most times God has to get you alone to speak to you. Most times the trial isn't chastisement but rather Him covering and re-creating you for what's to come. Many times we aren't going to understand it but we must stand in knowing that all the time, God is good. I praise His name for me blossoming in the winter.

In the bed in Tallahassee (Dec '08) Lupus rash and fat cheeks.

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Sorry about the blurry pics. Started chemo and my scalp is scarred and my hair is thining (Jan '09). Lower pic is a closer look at mean lupus.

In Detroit (April '09), a couple months into chemo treatments. My hair had fallen out considerably but I was still grinning. I wasn't surrendering my joy!

Looking better and feeling stronger (May '09). Still on the thin side (I can tell by looking at my neck). Still smiling.

In Orlando (Nov '09) and In Detroit (Dec '09). God said it and I believed it. I took Him at his word.

(Still grinning and looking like my old self.)

Tallahassee in the Spring

It was March of 2007 and I had finally made it Tallahassee, happy yet anxious to pull of something that I could call my own. I remember going to my apartment’s leasing office and getting the key to my apartment, Apt D-12. The only thing that I got out of my car was a comforter and a pillow. I stretched out on the floor and went to sleep. I had driven from Michigan to Florida, alone, and a sister was beyond tired and hot. I had forgotten that Tallahassee could reach 80 degrees in March.

I hit the ground running with my eyelash business. My friend had designed some pretty fly business cards for me. They were all professional looking and I was very proud. I went around town leaving cards in various businesses and passing them out at different events. Everyone from the beauty supply owners to students on the city’s three college campuses were extremely supportive. On top of the eyelashes, I hadn’t yet resigned from being a flight attendant. Due to the economy, my airline offered leaves to flight attendants where I didn’t have to work but I was able to keep my flight benefits. I was all over it. Having my own business and free travel? Are you kidding me? Making my own schedule and doing things that I wanted to do. Eureka! I had finally made it!

When I did have to return to flying, it became apparent that I couldn’t maintain a business in the south and be a flight attendant in the north. The unpredictability of an aviation schedule left me unable to consistently service customers in Tallahassee. So in March of ’08, I resigned from the airline and accepted a job as an eligibility specialist. I hated it, bottom line. I needed the job because I needed medical benefits. I was back to a place that I didn’t want to be, behind a desk. Ugh!

The project that my team was working on was very stressful to say the least. Every other day, there was a protocol change being made. Then a week into training, my Aunt Helen passed away two days after my birthday. So now I have to hightail it back to Michigan to bury my aunt. Florida sunshine+job I hate+aunt’s death=perfect combination for a lupus flare. I remember being so tired. I also remembering saying that I couldn’t stop because I had things to do.

That August, I drove to New Orleans to meet my mom for her birthday. I know I made it there and back on a prayer. Talk about someone being exhausted. I just wanted my mother to enjoy herself in New Orleans. I could’ve laid up in that nice hotel for three days with no problem but what kind of birthday would that have been for my mother? On the final day of the trip, she hugged me and said “your nose is raw.” I knew there was something going on but leave it to my mother to put a name to it. My skin surrounding nostrils were pinkish. I don’t know if it was denial but I chalked it up to being tired. Saying that it was a lupus flare-up wasn’t even on my radar.

A week later, I had five wisdom teeth pulled. Then, all physical hell broke loose. The corners of my mouth split so bad that it left me looking like the Joker. I was beyond miserable with my job becoming increasingly more and more stressful. I was beginning to get tired of the drive from my office to the salon to do eyelashes. I remember walking around thinking that something was going to have to give.

Getting up for work each morning was becoming a chore. I know some folks don’t like their jobs and dread going to work but I literally had to plot and plan to make it to work at 7:30 a.m. Once at my desk, I would take pictures with my camera phone of my ears that had turned black like coal and open sores had began to form. A dark rash started to cover the underside of my chin and my back. I chalked it up to being the dye from a weave that I had sewn into my head. I figured that I was just having some sort of terrible reaction to the weave hair. I found a couple of my clients who said that the same thing had happened to them. In my mind they had corroborated my story and therefore, I was good to go. Once again, lupus never crossed my mind. Until one day when I woke up in a cold sweat and it was 100 degrees outside....

Dark lupus rash forming on my ear.

Lupus discoloration behind my ear.

Dry rash forming under my chin (it didn't stop me from eating though :).